What I learned in India:
Simplicity
I've always had infinitely more clothes than I need, and always had the opportunity to be able to get more whenever I wanted. While I was in India though, I lived on 4 pairs of shorts, 10 t-shirts, 2 pairs of jeans, 2 button down shirts, and 3 pairs of shoes. For as long as I could remember I had always thought it was important to have a big wardrobe to choose from. If you would have asked me why I would have said “to be presentable” or some other BS line. I see now that this was all I had ever been told growing up in America, that I had never even considered other points of view on this, but after India I see no reason to hold onto this view. I spent 8 months of my life living in the same few set of clothes, why can’t I do that for the rest of my life?
But this view can go so far beyond clothing, it really reaches into every part of my life. I have come to the conclusion that I have no need for a smartphone. All I use a phone for is to talk and text, that’s it. Why do I need to further complicate my life by adding in the temptation to be able to look at whatever I want whenever I want? Why do I need to spend the money on something that I don’t even use to it’s fullest, when there is another product that meets all my needs that costs a fraction of the price?
I’ve come to realize that living in simplicity doesn't mean you have to have crappy things. In living in simplicity you can have good things, but you have to work more for them, it may take longer to acquire them. You have to be willing to save and wait for them. Living in simplicity means not so much having nothing nice, but getting rid of the instant satisfaction part of life as much as possible. When we want something living in simplicity it may mean taking more time to save the money, or looking to get rid of something in order to add whatever it is we want.
Disconnection
When I did my communications fast , I had only MY worries to deal with and didn't have to be a messiah and fix everyone else's problems or save them all the time. It simply became me and God, no one else's opinions or no one else sticking their nose into my life. It was MY life for the first time in my life. I realized that I wanted to spend my life chasing after and continually giving it over to God, and when you surround yourself with other people it makes it that much harder to hear God over their voices. In doing this I quit looking for others to validate me and looked only to God and found my identity in him.
In disconnection, with not using the internet, not all but a major chunk of the sexual temptation and thoughts that were constantly going through my head were greatly reduced.
Looking back through my journal the first two months were filled with thoughts about Faith, and the overseas portion was looking like something just to get through so that I could be back with her. 2 weeks into the fast though I can see in my journal how my concerns about everything other then the here and now just faded away, in being disconnected I was able to focus intently on the present and enjoy it more. Even being back now I still see myself drifting back to the mindset of what am I going to do when I’m done here?
Focusing and enjoying the present
So much of my time was spent looking to the future and trying to figure out what will I do next, but I've realized in doing that I had almost abandoned the present. When I left for India my mind wasn’t there or even back at camp, it was a year into the future, trying to figure out what I’m going to do next, and for the first month and a half I was so focused on that and trying to get applications set up and filled out so that when I go back I could jump right back into things and not have missed anything.
In doing that I realize 2 things were happening, 1. I was completely ignoring what God had for me to enjoy then and there. My body was in India and my mind was a year into the future with everything mapped out, as a result I feel I missed some important things.
2. I was ignoring perhaps one of the biggest parts of a mission trip, sacrifice. I still wasn’t willing to let go of everything I wanted and let God be in control. It took God and me talking late one night in Orissa, and feeling Him urging me to sacrifice my plans of grandeur and adventure 3 times before I was finally willing to give it up. Even though I had sacrificed it and given it up, there were and still are times when I try to sneak back and pull my sacrifice off the alter. Even now it’s still tempting to try and take it back.
I learned How important quality time is to me, and why I need to get rid of somethings, because they take away from the quality time I have with people I care about.
During the time I was in India I read the 5 Love Languages. I always thought that my love language was physical touch, because quite frankly that a fun love language to have, but back on topic I realized that it was not physical touch. I realized that the times I felt most loved and enjoyed is when people would be willing to stop what they were doing and spend time with me, or invite me to join them. I realized the times that I felt most unloved is when I was blown off or other people came in and took their attention away.
Learning my love language led me to the realization of "if this is my love language why do I constantly neglect my time with God?" This led to me making an increased effort in making sure that the times I have with God are times that will not be disturbed by others. So that I am able to be wholly focused on God as I would want Him to be on me. Thankfully his attention span isn't a reflection of mine.
About halfway through I began to think very seriously about getting rid of my Xbox 360, due to the fact that it was robbing me of the opportunities to have quality time with people. Being away from it and not having the temptation of it right there I began to see that it was an addiction and an idol to me. Everywhere I looked in my life I could see how it was holding me back, and robbing me of the time that could be spent with God, family, friends or in study. When I had it, it was something that I couldn’t fathom living without, but once I was separated from it I realized how insignificant it truly was. I mean Jesus never had one and he got along just fine without it. Some people will argue that times have changed and so that argument doesn’t apply. I agree with them times have changed but I disagree that the argument doesn’t apply The things that were prized in Jesus’ time, God, Family, Friends, etc are still as prized now as they were then, the only difference is that we now have access to a plethora of things that vie for our attention, compared to then.
Began to see a new way of seeing sin and temptation as a way to show our love to God. In a sense a way to take back what was stolen from us.
For all of my life I have seen temptation as sin and temptation, something horrible, something that nothing good could come out of. Due to India I have come to see it in a different light through a new lens. I've come to see it as an opportunity to reclaim something that was stolen from us at the Fall. Obviously due to the fall everything good in a sense gained an evil, twisted twin. So with that in mind the urges and temptations that we face had to originated out of some good thing. I now see no reason as to why we can't do our best to redeem the evil and twisted. Instead of viewing temptation as something evil we instead redeem it and change our view to it being an opportunity to reaffirm our love for God and for the original design that He had for us.
Began to see a change in my thinking.
Since I have re-entered American society I have noticed a change in my thinking that was first noticeable in reading Kisses from Katie. I found myself no longer thinking "Wow, this is amazing! I wish I could do something to help." to "Wow this girl has a handle on how life is to be lived, what do I need to do to make sure my life is like this, and what can I be doing to help her and others like her?" Quiet frankly it is freeing, I no longer have the constant thoughts of I want to buy this, this, and this. While those thoughts still come they are easier to catch and push out of mind or to take captive and give over to God.
I also began to become freed from the “what am I going to buy next” mindset. Granted there are still days when that mindset comes alive and I start trying to figure out what am I going to buy next, but I find myself more and more looking to what I already have, and finding ways to make it fit the purpose of what I think I need.
I used to be a horrible impulse buyer, but since I have gotten back I struggle with the thought of spending any money at all. When I’m looking at things now, instead of seeing the just the price, I see what it would cost others in different countries, not just how many hows, but more often than not, how many days of working would it cost them in order to obtain this movie, or this game, etc.
Take thoughts captive
Most of the times when I fall to sexual temptation, for me it all starts with a thought. It can even be a thought that has no sexual link but my mind will gradually skew it and run it off course, so I've found that in taking thoughts captive or not letting them run free my sexual temptation level has dropped an amazing amount. If I am engaged in sexual thoughts and tempted towards even more sin, I have come to see just how powerful it can be to learn how to simply capture or refocus my thoughts.
I started this within the first month there because honestly, India has some of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. With the constant exposure to that it was very easy for me to let my mind wander and engage in all sorts of thoughts and fantasies. Through the wandering of my mind, it led to a huge increase in sexual temptation, most of which I gave in to. I decided though that I didn’t want my trip to be characterized by that. So I began diving in to the Bible for help, and I realized there are really only 3 things we can do on our own. 1. Flee, 2. Avoid, and 3.Take thoughts captive. Since the first 2 would be a little harder to accomplish without becoming a social pariah I decided to focus on the last one. Right away I was met with great success in it and the level of temptation dropped tremendously. I thought it would be something hard to do, but it was as simple as praying a quick prayer like “God, these thoughts are not mine to have, take them and do with them what you will” or similar to it.
Throughout my time there were times when I slacked off and I could see the increase in the temptation, so I’ve realized this is for me now one of my most effective tools in my fight for my purity.
Began to see where I can talk and where I need to shut up.
There was a part of the trip where I began to become very disillusioned with the church. I realized that the church as a whole seemed to focus on treating the symptoms and hardly ever the disease. We focused on Homosexuality, Divorce, Single Mothers, Fatherlessness, Promiscuousness, etc, theses aren't the problem though, they are simply symptoms, the disease being that the church is sick. She is not as healthy as she should be, she is in fact crippled by disease.
As I thought over this, trying to see ways that I could solve the problem(which now I see as pointless) I began to realize that I have a very limited involvement in the church. Not meaning I don’t have any interaction, but I have never worked in a church so I have not been privileged to see that side of the workings. I have only seen one side and as a result of only seeing a part of the problem I have come to realize that I have no reason to criticize the church, because I can only see one part of the problem. I don’t understand the whole problem.
I understand that we can come up with all these great ideas about how other people can change, but honestly, if we would spend the same amount of time that we spend complaining about how others need to change and began to start making the changes in our own life, then we would begin to make a difference. If we could live our lives in such a way that makes others in the body take notice then we might actually begin to change things.
I feel like this is an issue that I can talk about because it is one that I am directly involved in, it’s one that has a personal stake for me in it. I honestly think that if everyone, myself included, would focus on our problems, then we could eliminate a huge chunk of the problems in the church. I can argue and complain about how people need to change, but until I start looking at myself, and judging myself as critically as I judge others, I’m just waisting my breath.
Quit seeing problems as simply a thing to fix, but as opportunities.
Anytime I was faced with a problem my first reaction was always “OK how can I make this go away?” Which sometimes I think can be a good thing, but it had gotten to the point where the thing was applying to people and they weren’t people anymore just a mass of problems. In doing this I was losing sight of the fact that the reason Jesus came was simply relationship. We always say that He cam to save, and while that’s true, He doesn’t save without relationships. With that in mind I began to quit looking at problems as something to make go away, but as opportunities to begin new relationships with people. Through problems people become vulnerable, and those vulnerabilities open new doors to us to start new relationships, that other wise may have had no chance whatsoever of coming about.
How much time we spend trying to pleases other people
Having had the opportunity to step back and look at the world through another set of eyes other then American ones, I have see how much time we spend chasing after other’s approval , and trying to make sure that we step on no ones toes. Fact: toes were made to be stepped on and people made to be pissed off (but loved in the process). I believe this true, I believe that the main reason we send so much time trying to please other people, is because in that we can obtain a sense of validation from them. Quite frankly it is easier to look to other people for validation approval than to look to ourselves, but we are our own worst judge making it so much harder for us to feel validated or worth something.
That is my view from the world’s perspective, but as a Christian I’ve realized that we have another place to turn to for validation, which is God. When I’m willing to drop our obsession with the world and it’s idea of validation, and turn to God, and receive from Him, not only my validation, but also love, sonship, and redemption. I fond my life became simpler, I didn’t have to be obsessed with all the social faux-pas.
The Cost was worth it.
I sat a few days ago and began to calculate what this trip had cost me personally. I don’t mean just how much money, while that was one of the things, but it is not the main thing I looked at. I came to the following conclusion: It cost me somewhere between $4000-$5000. It cost me precious time that I could have spent with family and friends. It cost me my identity. It cost me some friendships. It cost me my American mindset. It cost me my comfort. It cost me a college degree. In the worlds eye’s it ruined my life, and in my eye’s, it also ruined my life. It ruined my life in a different way than the world see’s it as though. It ruined my comfort, destroyed my identity, completely obliterated how I viewed myself, and it set me free. I was dashed to pieces and slowly painfully put back together as a new creation, for the first time truly embracing what that means to be a new creation in Christ.
As I sit here clicking away on this keyboard writing this paper, I can hardly keep back the tears, tears of joy that I made it through, that I grew closer to God, that I am no longer the man I was. But also tears of heartbreak. Heartbroken that it is over, heartbroken that it will be years before I am able to see the friends I made there again. I find myself more consumed by one joy than any other feeling though. The joy of my new identity and new life that I have truly found. Until my old identity was completely destroyed and I was left broken, alone, scared, and miserable, I was not able to become the man I am now.
I sit here with tears falling and count the cost and come to this conclusion. Everything that I “sacrificed”, everything that the world says I lost, as I look at it, I realize that for the 10 worst days I had the past 8 months, those 10 days were worth the cost. The other 200 that were ok, good, great, amazing, or even life changing. That price comes nowhere what they were worth to me, and nothing that this world holds will ever come close.
