So much

Life has been crazy the past few months, God has moved me from everything comfortable to basically a whole new world, even if it is only a little over an hour away.

I finished working as paid staff at he camp June 18, and since then have been living in Indianapolis as a part of an intentional Christian community called the Moriah Project. For those of you that aren't fluent in greek, Moriah is the greek word for foolishness. So yes, I am a part of the foolish project. what we are trying to do down here, is simply be a light in a community that desperately needs a light. We are striving to do this by loving those around us and trying to help them in anyway possible, simply in hopes of being able to start a conversation with them.

I have since started back to school at IUPUI and am going after a journalism degree with a certificate in personal training. It's been really nice , because the community is 3 miles form campus so I have been able to see alot of the city by biking to and from class.

I am also a homeowner now, on August 13th, I purchased a home down here in the community and am in the process of getting some work done on it. It was empty for a while and had the wiring stollen out of it, so through a grant I was able to get we have started remodeling and I will hopefully be moved in soon! Another strange turn in this is that one of my best friends from high school is going to be my roommate, he came down to visit for a week and decided to move down here! So if you could keep Nathan North and I in your prayers, we would appreciate it greatly.

I got the opportunity to work at a Chipotle nearby and have been surprised that I enjoy it as much as I do! I'm on the grill most of the time, and God has really blessed me with a good group of people to work with that are lots of fun to be around.

I know this isn't a real in depth article, and one will follow soon, this was just a quick "Hey, here's what's up" article. I hope you all are doing well!

Reflections from Haiti

Some of you may know, But in November I had the opportunity to go to Haiti. There were so many things going through my mind that it took me awhile to process through all of them. This is what I came up with.

I don’t have a clear picture of everything, but I know that Haiti knocked me flat on my butt in terms of how God moves. I’d slipped into a sense of arrogance (this seems to happen quite a bit). So this was a tumultuous week, maybe one of the most mind-bending in my life so far, a 7-day tour de force of God’s exuberant love, grace and heartbreak for a nation that was in the enemy’s grasp for so long.

I have no set order of these; it’s just how they come to mind and how I process through them. The first and I guess most prominent thing is 2 of the little girls that lived in Tina’s house. Anabelle is the first, she has bels palsy I think, I’m an inattentive person half the time so I don’t remember for sure, but half of her body didn’t work right, she drooled out of one side of her mouth, had a bit of a droop to her eye. The other child’s name escapes me, but she is 2 or 3 years old. She is also HIV positive. To both of these my question was “where are you at in this God? Huh?! Where are you?! How can you say you love children when they are the ones who seem to suffer the most?!”

This troubled me for the time we were there. It wasn’t until I got back and was driving to town then it hit. “I AM there in the fact that while they have this misfortune, there is someone there to love them. There is someone there to take care of them. Someone to make sure they are protected now, there is someone to love them. In a world where most people, even educated people wouldn’t want them. Where the majority of the world views them as a burden, I have provided someone to love them. I AM there in the love.”

So needless to say we spent a great deal of time just being around the kids. As I think back on our time with them, I’m overwhelmed by a sense of longing. A desire to be back there, to see them laugh as they’re tossed into the air, to see them smile when you bend down to play with them, to hear them scream as you run after them. To simply be there, to bask in their happiness in that moment is such a priceless gift. To have them just come over and crawl into your lap…It’s indescribable unless you’ve experienced, and even then it’s still hard to fully describe it. I imagine its something along the lines a parent feels with their children. Straight, simple joy. 

When I came back from India I wrote a paper similar to this, with a bunch of things I knew I needed to change, but the problem was I didn’t want to change, so I didn’t The difference is pretty simple. I’ve changed, that’s really all it is. I’m no longer who I was 2 years ago. My mind has changed; I’ve gotten to know God better. I’ve gotten to see a little more of his mind.  I don’t have a hard and fast guarantee that I will change, but there is more of a desire this time.

 But while there is there is the desire there is also a slight fear. Now I know that perfect love drives out fear, so what does that mean? I think it means it drive out the crippling fear in us. It drives out the fear that keeps us from making any forward progress. The perfect love really is the proud parent who stands behind the kid and gently nudges them forward. It gives us that momentary burst of courage to take the first step. Once we’ve taken the step, it steadily keeps pulling and pushing us in closer without our realizing it.

As we’re drawn closer the fear begins to fade, not that it ever completely goes away. While it’s still there it is no longer the thing that defines all of our actions. As we become acclimated to the love we begin to crave it, in small bits at first, when we follow it, the craving grows. With a growing craving we begin to throw aside consequences more and more, just to get our “fix.”

I’ve noticed the people closest to you can keep you from changing when you reenter. They know who you are; they know what you’re about. Our culture is deeply resistant to change, it doesn’t come right out and say it, but you can see it in the way that it tries to kill the new ideas and discourages those that bring them forth. When you come back from a mission’s trip no matter the length, there is a change in you. This is undeniable, whether big or small there is a change. With a cultural mindset, most people want us to stay the same. Chances are they are close to us because they like who we are. When we start to change that change threatens who they know.  Which out of love for the person their natural reaction is to jump to the defense of the person. They don’t want to lose a friend. I think so much heartbreak could be bypassed if we simply sat down with them and explained why we want to change and what we want to change. Since a cord of three strands is not quickly broken, it would make sense to invite them along as you change your narrative, instead of leaving the to sit idly by and just spectate.

Dream with me a moment, what if we candidly talked about our fears with people those fears concerned? What if instead of assuming that we know how the other person is going to react, we just sat down and talked with them with blatant honesty? Think of how many worthless arguments we could have prevented throughout history.

Even if they don’t show it there is fear on their part over our change. “What if they aren’t the same person? What if I lose their friendship? What if, What if, What if?” These are irrational honestly, because unless they are doing something that is in direct conflict with God, there should be no reason to fear. Irrationality is one of the most utilized weapons in fear’s arsenal.

It’s the same fear that cripples us, we continually wonder as we begin to implement these changes the same what ifs as our friends. The crippling part of fear comes when it isolates us from people. Most of us won’t even talk to people about our fears, afraid that they’ll think us weird if we do.

Comfort: The new national pastime of America. We’re so used to being comfortable that change has become the enemy. Change compromise comfort. Change means…well changing. We like to think that we’re good how we are, that there is nothing wrong with us. As nice as it would be, it’s false. Fact of the matter is we were never told you’re good how you are, I think as humans we are made to be in a continuous state of change, continually evolving if you will. It’s hardwired into our DNA. We are always changing physically so why shouldn’t we be changing mentally and spiritually as well?

They don’t have the distractions, technology and aren’t continuously being pulled in every direction. Yes, they have cell phones but they’re just for relaying information. It’s so interesting to see them because they have nothing of what you’re supposed to have in order to be happy. Yet in Haiti and in India the ones that had the least seemed to be the happiest. Facebook, twitter, instgram, and texting surround us where we can broadcast whatever we’re doing to (what we like to think) a multitude of people who are just hanging on our every word, waiting in anticipation for tales of our next exciting adventure. Yeah right. We’re surrounded by it because we’re afraid to be alone. We’re afraid to hear the silence of our own thoughts; I think we’re afraid for 2 reasons.

1.     Deep down most of us don’t like who we are. We really don’t, no matter what there is always some part of us that we despise. A piece that we’re ashamed to admit is a part of us. Kid of like the crazy relative at family get togethers.

2.     We’re genuinely afraid to hear Abba speak. “What if He tells me to do something hard, something that makes me uncomfortable, something that means I have to make a sacrifice?”

Even if I don’t like them, Hipsters may be on to something. While they seem wishy washy (and some of them are,) The ones who are really in it at least know what they stand for. They’re about social justice, fair trade, saving money, being green, coffee and fashion. Oh and making sure you know they don’t care what think (Even thought they do!)

In all honesty the coffee and fashion don’t mean anything. But I like coffee so we’ll leave it in as if it were something important. But the first four are things that Christians should be mindful of! So why are a bunch of teens and 20 and 30 somethings, a good portion of which would probably say they have nothing to do with Christianity, making a bigger deal of this than Christians are?! I think because over the years Christianity has lost its face and credibility. Because of this it as if we have checked out of caring. I know this isn’t true for all Christians, I'm just going by what I see

I always thought (and still do somewhat) that Toms were stupid. I thought them saying we give a pair to someone in a third world country was always just a selling point. I figured they had to in order to be able to say that, but I didn’t think they would be of a sub-par quality. I saw kids wearing them while we were there. They weren’t shabby at all, they looked sturdier than the ones you see all over the place in America. Seeing this, I decided that I would get a pair to help out someone somewhere. But as I thought more and more about this, another thought began to formulate itself. Well, actually it was God; I’m not going to try and say that I’m smart enough to come to this conclusion on my own.

Why can’t we pay a little more to help someone who isn’t as fortunate? It makes sense what Toms does, they charge you a little more than most people would in order to provide for someone else. Why aren’t Christians all over this already? Granted some are, but why isn’t this being preached from the pulpit? Or why aren’t we sharing it with others with indelible excitement? Or maybe we have been and I just arrived late to the party. But Toms makes sense, its something we need, and it provides someone else with something. I’m not saying Toms are the best thing ever, I’m simply using them as an example because they are the best that I’ve found so far.

I’ve realized that taking care of creation isn’t just for hippies; it’s a part of being a human.  We were given creation to take care of from the very beginning. Not to abuse and use her for her resources but to be stewards of her, to protect her and love her. You wouldn’t be just throwing your trash all over someone you cared about

I also realized how real spiritual warfare is. I always thought it was just something that was there but in a way distant. But being in Haiti, a land that was dedicated to the devil for 200 years, it was so much more present there. When I stepped off the plane it has to be what it feels like to be in the middle of a battle.

Before it was always something on a page, like a great story or a picture. Removed from my everyday world where I walked, talked, ate, breathed, loved, and ached. It was if it was it’s own parallel universe. The real world and the spiritual world, two completely different worlds. Then it leapt of the page, charged straight at comprehension and attacked, viciously and without mercy. It transcended the imaginary boundary between realms and opened my eyes to the fact that they are one and the same. They exists in the same space at the same time, one is just veiled to our mere human eyes although occasionally we are permitted a brief glimpse into the other realm. And those glimpses mess us up. They challenge everything we think we know.

So staring into the face of this giant of change how do I proceed? I think slowly, walking with God through every step of this. Taking the time to actually stop and wait on Him. Being willing to just stand still and embrace the pain of the chisel as He takes away all that I don’t need. Bearing in mind that there will be times when He says “CHANGE!” and He doesn’t mean slowly. Those are the times we run headlong until we hear “stop”.

How arrogant we are?

If you've known me for a while, you know that exercise and physical fitness is something that brings a great source of enjoyment to me. I love everything about it, the challenge of pushing yourself farther than you did the last time, the thrill of getting to that new plateau knowing that the only reason you're here is because you pushed your limts. The feeling of lifting a weight with ease, that awhile ago was a challenge for you to do once, or the feeling of running and blowing past your mark from a few days before. But sadly, no matter how much you lift, the majority of the results comes from how you eat. They say so much protein, vitamins, etc, but the worst thing you could do is not eat, obviously. So a few weeks ago I got a bit of a wake up call as to how obsessed I had become with it all.

 I was supposed to fast for a day (no food, only juice and water.) So everything in me was wanting to eat thinking "This isn't good for me, all I'm doing is hurting myself." I then realized the irony of the situation, a fast is supposed to be about trusting in God and giving up something, for a time, that we consistently depend on. This realization gave birth to a new thought, "How arrogant am I to think that I would really know what is better for my body than the one who made it?" Afterall, who knows more about an invention, the one who created it or the user? Obviously the creator, with this thought in mind I went through with the fast.

But the thought has stuck with me for a while now, which has led to more thoughts, as thoughts often do. The main thought that keeps bouncing around in my head is "How arrogant we are." Seriously, stop for a second and think about it. How arrogant is the human race? I'm not singling anybody out, and I'm throwing myself in there, but how arrogant are we as a race? We think we know everything, we live in a world where you alway have to be right, where being wrong is a sign of weakness, but in all of that we lose sight of what is quite possibly the biggest characteristics Christians are supposed to have: Humility. I have come to the conclusion that humility and I have a Love/Hate relationship, I love to think I'm humble, but at the time absolutely hate being humbled, having said this I am the last person who has any right to talk about humility. But I do think it is something that we have sorely neglected in our walks (or maybe I'm the one that neglects it and would just like to believe that other people forget it too.)

I'm not leading up to some big finale here, just a simple thought , how often in my arrogance have I missed the opportunity to serve someone? How often have I missed the opportunity to witness because my nose was so high in the air? How often have I more or less told God "You can sit this on out, I think I have a better handle on this than you." More than I care to count, but thank God for Grace.

Standing on the cliff

I fell like life has been like walking a winding path through a woods, one where you can never quite see what comes next. For the past few months it feels like the trees have been thinning, allowing me to get a little more of a glimpse of what’s ahead at each turn. Now it feels like I’ve made it out of the woods and I’m standing on a cliff looking out into the ocean. A deep, wild, scary, and uncharted place full of danger and uncertainty. I’m faced with 2 choices do I turn around and go back the way I came or do I dive off into the wild, untamed ocean on a new adventure? One where nothing is familiar, where I’m walking through uncharted territory. What scares me is not what’s ahead, what scares me is that I’ve been here before, and the last time I was here, I turned around and went back down the familiar path, too scared to jump. I don’t know when the moment to jump will come, but I know it will come. The beautiful thing about being here is that I know I have a little time to rest before the jump comes, but when the moment comes to jump it catches you completely off guard, and in the middle of a storm. I’m asking that those of you that read this would be praying that when the moment does come that I can go forward, cause I don’t feel like I’ll be given an opportunity like this again, where I know that if I jump life will be crazier than I could ever imagine. But if I turn around and walk back life will still be good, but not what it could be, and I don’t want to miss this opportunity. I know that I am not the same man I was the last time I was here, I know that God has been growing me and changing my mind, and bringing the people into my life that can help me on this journey. I'll try to do a better job of posting on here to keep you updated on what happens. Thank you for praying.

You're just getting started

I'm not quite sure what to write, it feels as if now that my time overseas are done (for the moment) part of me feels like I have nothing more to write about. But then I feel a stirring inside of me, a tiny whisper that simply states "that's a lie, you're just getting started." nothing more and nothing less. As I try to get more beyond that, what it will look like, maybe a hint at what the adventures will be or where they will take me I am met with silence, a frigid stone cold silence. This isn't just a one time thing though, it's happened many times over the past few months. Every time I come away frustrated yet reassured. Frustrated because I like to know whats going to happen, reassured because I know that I just felt the Holy Spirit move in me.

I think so often we but into the life that our adventures are over after we have a big adventure, but the more and more I've dwelt on this the past few months I think it is a horrible lie that we so readily embrace, because it's what society tells us is normal, and then as I think on that I start to laugh. The laughter grows and grows within me, and sometimes it becomes verbal, but for the most part it's internal. I laugh because I start comparing my life to what society says is normal and what you need to do to be a success. For the most part I haven't even been close to that.

I'm fine with not being close to that at all because I've had the opportunity to live more in 2 years then some people have in their whole life, and I'm fine with the fact that by society standards I'm just another college dropout whose just getting by. I'm fine with it because I know that I belong to another society who doesn't judge by the same standards the world does. The standards that this society calls believers to is meant to be a life of adventure, risk, beauty, heartbreak, and change. It's meant to be one that leaves us on our knees broken at times, and at other times requires us to stand and take everything this life can throw at us knowing that there are thousands if not millions around the world right now doing the same thing. It calls us to take pride in the fact that we are part of a lineage of many great men and women, and as we stand looking back we need to figure how to move our lineage forward and pass it on to others.

I'm closing this post with a story that came from a game of paintball I was reffing, It was for a group of 10 guys that were doing this as part of the bachelor party for Ben, the very last game they played was 8 against the groom who was going to be Rambo and rescue the prisoner. Ben decided to start in the woods and hid for a while trying to lure the others into an ambush but  realizing they weren't coming Ben decided to man up and charge out of the woods. As he charged out the 8 came up over a hill. In that moment Ben had a choice charge into the onslaught you all know is going to happen or retreat. Ben charged in guns blazing, yelling at the top of his voice. As he did though, it dawned on me, "this is how life is going to be sometimes". Sometime we will be faced with the decision do we run and cower behind something hoping the storm passes or will we like Ben charge towards it and take all life has to through at us? I want to be like Ben, I want to charge through and stand my ground with those that have in the past and those that have yet to in the future. I want to end life battered, bruised, and smiling, having lived it for all it was worth.

Looking Down the Path I've walked

Every time I have sat down to rest in the past week I can't help but look back and reflect on the journey that God has taken me through in the past 3 years. He has taken me from everything I knew and was comfortable with and put me in to situations that have scared me, because I know that I have no control over the outcome. As I look back over these situations though I can’t help but be in awe of how God so perfectly orchestrated each and every situation to break and rebuild a piece of me through it. Sometimes it was a huge change other times, it was a simple change in thinking that I didn’t notice needed to be changed. I also stand amazed at the way he provided for me through the past 3 years. He met every need that I had; I saw the scripture come alive in that as he provided for me in every circumstance. He made sure that I had food, shelter and clothing; He saw to it that I had the money to be able to go here He wanted me.

            But it wasn’t just the past 3 years that I have seen this provision, it has been for my whole life as I have watched Him provide for my family, all the times we shouldn’t have had money, we amazingly came out with what we needed. To simply have had the opportunity to be a spectator to this has been breathtaking when I look back on it.

            Someone once told me, “We never realize how far we have come until we turn and look back down the road.” I find this to be true as I sit here and look back down the road I have travelled, but what amazes me even more than how far I have traveled is how much more I have ahead of me! I have dropped out of college, moved to Rainbow Christian Camp and began raising my own support, I’ve gone and lived in a third world country for 7 ½ months, and experienced more fear, trepidation, wonder, awe and majesty than I ever thought possible.

            As I look to the future I see some of what my Dad has planned for me, I’m going to Puerto Rico to visit friends and share with people what I experienced. I’m taking a full time job at Rainbow, over the Jungle and Thai Huts, where I will continue to raise my support, I’m going to try my hand at freelance writing and see what it’s like. These opportunities excite me, and to be honest scare me quiet a bit, but hopefully I will be able to walk boldly into them, still scared, but being able to put that fear to rest knowing that God has never left my side through all of this.

            I will try to do a better job of keeping this blog updated as I go through this journey. I apologize for the past few months, I had the busiest summer of my life, but from here on out I will do my best to keep it up to date. If you would like to be on my mailing list to find out what’s going on at camp and how things are going, simply shoot me an email to aaron.derr@rainbowcamp.org, with your contact info. Also feel free to email and ask any questions you have about anything I’ve wrote, if I’ve confused you on any point.

May you walk with God and see him moving in you life

I am the squirming 2 year old

I’ve had many people ask me to continue my blog, and honestly I find it hard to find things to write about now that I’m in a place where I’m comfortable. Everything seems normal and boring and it seems so much harder to find God. It seems like such a good idea sometimes to say “you know what? I’m done with this, if you want me come find me.” But as I’m thinking that I can’t help but remember all the times in my life that He has came and found me. The times where I didn't even want to be found, he still chased after me.

                It’s in remembering those times that I often become reduced to a blubbering crying mess, wanting nothing more than to just crawl into His arms and rest, much like a child does when they are exhausted and want to sleep. The image that always comes to my mind when I think of this is of my friend Joe Wisley sitting on the couch talking to me and seeing his son Jake come up to him, fumble his way up onto the couch and crawl into his daddy’s arms and just be still. Then there are the times where Joe will pick up Jake and force him to sit still.

                I feel like this is where I’m at now, I am the squirming 2 year old that wants to get down and run around, I’m not content with where I’m at and am eagerly striving for the next thing. But Dad is sitting there holding me in a bear hug, forcing me to stay where I am, knowing that the future will come soon enough. Much as like Joe knows with Jake, these times won’t last forever no matter how much he want them to, and so he cherish them, much in the same way Dad cherishes the times He has with us where we simply sit in His arms.

Jake, however doesn’t know that these times won’t last forever and it’s only once he’s grown up, that will he cherish those times. I believe that it’s only once we are past them, that we truly are grateful for them, but while we’re in them we are a constant mass of squirming arms and kicking legs trying to get free.

Now to shift gears, having been in the states for close to 2 months I’m happy to say that, while I have bought things, I haven’t been feeling as drawn to buying them as I once was. It seems as if that was a part of me that was left in India, and it’s a relief honestly. I’m no longer consumed with the thought of buying this or that new thing, and there have been a few times where I’m pretty sure God has intervened to keep me from buying things. The most recent occurrence being today.

Now for another gear shift. People have been asking me what I plan to do after this summer, so here it is: I’m going to visit a friend in Puerto Rico for a month and then moving out west. That’s all I’ve gotten so far, I’ll let you know as things progress.